Episode 2 - Random Bite - Donut Cheat on Your Diet

[00:00:00] Lovers of horror, fans of mystery, welcome to JB's radio show, the one and only place for original fiction written and narrated by JB Cross himself and guest authors. For the amusement of all you creepy crawlies out there, we've got a great tale pulled out of the trunk for you as we lead up to the release of our first special event. But first, a word from today's sponsor. [00:00:23] Has your love life gone by the wayside? All of us can relate to that. Especially after we've been with our mate for more than a century. Don't worry. Studies have shown you aren't alone. And more importantly, there is help. Introducing the lower Horn aphrodisiac. Available from your attending witch doctor, it is proven to bring back the pep to your love life. Available for any gender, this one simple pill, made from ground up lower human horn and pressed into shape with proprietary blend of essential oils, is a simple, easy way to renew the passion between you and your mate. Ask your witch doctor about it today. [00:01:02] Some may experience mild side effects such as violent rage and facial acne. If you experience any severe side effects such as cannibalism or sunlight sensitivity, cease dosage and contact your witch doctor immediately. Lower horn aphrodisiac. The only witch doctor approved treatment for the heart in a rut. [00:01:20] And now, our feature presentation, Donut CHEAT on YOUR diet. [00:01:30] The sun shined bright, the breeze blew cool, and children played in a park. The perfect beginning to the most horrific day of my life. [00:01:40] The trouble began around noon. I sat on a bench in Locust Shade park watching the little ones cavort in the playground. I liked to do that. It reminded me of when my kids were that young and rambunctious. Back before heart disease took Eleanor and my world grayed with age. [00:01:57] Across the park sat the ice cream truck. The merry jingle rode the wind alongside the sweet smell of chocolate. The temptation was almost too much to bear. But it was a far enough walk. That laziness held me to my diet. All for the better. I had stuck to it for the better part of a month. And every day was a struggle. I took every advantage that I could. It was then, staring at those trucks with a watering mouth that the first one came down. The damn thing dropped right in my lap. And eclair with dark chocolate frosting. I was so surprised at first, I just stared down, unable to move. Where had such a delicate, delectable confection come from? The icing looked thick and decadent, the dough crisp yet internally soft. On one end, a white spot bespoke the creamy center that awaited inside my hand made a treacherous move to scoop it up. Then my logical brain asserted itself. No, no, Jeremy Baker, you mustn't cheat on your diet. The doctor says the diabetes will only grow worse if you continue to gorge yourself. You mustn't eat that donut. [00:03:03] I frowned at the delicacy that had fallen so daintily into my lap. I wanted to listen to my logical mind. I wanted to obey Dr. Williams. I did not want to die. I scooped up the confection and took a bite anyway. It screamed in my mouth. A kaleidoscope of flavor and sweetness bursting with flavors of chocolate and cream. [00:03:25] I discovered to my utmost delight, powdered sugar. [00:03:29] It was no ordinary donut. No, it was a gift from the heavens, a delicacy straight from God's bakery. [00:03:37] I looked up toward the sky in rapture. I was caught in the throes of my forbidden sugary love affair. I almost missed the others. Falling. No, floating. Not falling, but floating down from above. Not just eclairs, but bear claws and jelly. Bellies glazed and cream filled, an assortment of doughnuts dropping from the sky, descending as if the God of Abraham had looked down upon me, sitting on the edge of the park and decided I I had been such an ever good and faithful servant, as if the Lord of Hosts had decided today was the day when my gluttony would stand up and be counted among the satiated. [00:04:16] I rose from my bench and stumbled across the park with arms outstretched. They came down around me, some small enough to fit in the palm of one hand, some large enough to require two, each as delicious looking as the next. [00:04:30] As I danced among the glorious rain of sweetness, the child a few feet away picked one up to take a bite. It spewed jelly into his face and he dropped it, backing away, his little face contorted in terror and he screamed, wiping at the jelly. Well, no well minded adult can ignore the frightened cries of a child, and I am no exception. I raced to his side. I thought perhaps he was allergic to the flavor of jelly. But when I reached him, I saw his face was not an allergic reaction, but a burn. The jelly was hot. Hot enough to steam in the summer air, hot enough to scald his young face. [00:05:08] I scooped him up in my arms and used my shirt to wipe away the remaining jelly. I stomped on the donut, which had somehow started to roll toward us and felt the heat of it even through the sole of my shoe. I ran to the bus stop, the nearest overhead shelter, with the young boy clutched in my arms. He quieted when I sat on the metal bench and propped him on my knee. I examined his burned face. It would be red and swollen for a time, but it would heal. [00:05:35] I turned my attention beyond the safety of our cover. The other children from the playground were gone, run off to find shelter of their own, I hoped. But the donuts continued to rain down. The ground was covered with them, thousands upon thousands, all different kinds, filling the air with the thumps of their arrival and the cloying scent of confectionary perfection. [00:05:56] I want Mommy, the boy sobbed at the sound. Donuts began to roll toward us. They rolled of their own accord, and it was then I realized they truly were not normal donuts. Delicious they might be, but they were also intelligent and of malicious intent. [00:06:14] Hush now, I whispered to the boy. What is your name? Alan, he replied. His eyes flicked to the donuts rolling toward us. Don't let them get us, mister. The boy was right, and I started from under the COVID as fast as my old bones would allow. The doughnuts rolled after us, an ever increasing tidal wave of baked goods behind and to our sides. [00:06:36] Some tried to cut us off, but I stomped through them, the bottoms of my slacks becoming slick with their warm innards. [00:06:43] Why, I wondered, had the eclair not burned me when I bit into it? It must have been unprepared for assault, I decided. I felt the warmth of them now on my feet and ankles. Had the eclair been ready, I might have been burned as the boy was. The park was wide and open. We fled across the field, stomping as needed to break through. In my youth, it would have been hardly a choreograph. At the age of 67, my distance running days were well behind me. I hoped the donut invasion was confined to the park and was not a town wide event. [00:07:16] When we reached the edge of the grass, my hopes were dashed like crema in a microwave. The street was littered with baked goods, and a wave of them immediately rolled towards us. That's when I knew there was small chance of getting away. I cast about in search of something, anything, I could do to spare our cruel fate. I found only one option. I ran, gasping for air, to a mailbox, one of the big blue ones on the corner, and pulled it open. Slip down inside. Be careful not to cut yourself on the metal, I told the boy. He slipped his little feet through the opening and sank down to his neck. Then he paused and looked up at me with wide blue eyes. But what about you? [00:07:56] I've lived a good life. A long life. Now it's your turn to have a chance at one. With that, I shoved his head down the rest of the way and slammed it closed. I draped my body over the box so that things couldn't get inside and squeezed my eyes closed. A wise man once told me there is nothing more terrifying to have someone on a diet than a donut. In that moment, he had never been more right. My bowels, normally as regular as an Amtrak, turned to water as I felt the heat of them close on me. My pulse pound pounded in my ears like a drumbeat in sync with the thuds of the descent. [00:08:32] I thought of Eleanor and our sons, Jack and John. I thought of my time in the sawmill and the good men I knew there. Most of all, I thought of how nice it would be to enjoy just one last bite of My eyes opened with furious revelation. I needn't die on my belly under a mountain of baked goods. I could die on my feet, defending the little mailbox against the invading confections. I pushed off the box and spun to face my onrushing doom. I raised my clenched fist to the air and loosed the only battle cry I could think of. I go nuts for donuts. [00:09:08] They rolled at me. I charged at them. We made battle where sidewalk met curb. My shoes, socks and ankles burned from slippery hot goo. Their bodies exploded under my descending heel. They sprayed streams of hot jelly and cream. I snatched them from the air and bit with ferocious delight, cackling like a madman as I discovered they didn't heat until they touched the ground. I can't tell you how many donuts were squashed that day. Only the Lord of Hosts could count them all for a certainty. What I can tell you is that I continued that way, raving and chewing and stomping until I heard the tanks rolling down the street. [00:09:47] When the National Guard found me, they reported I was covered in first degree burns and jelly. They said my eyes were wild and my thin hair crazed. They said I never stopped trying to eat the donuts out of the air. Even after they restrained and tased me. They swept through with rock tampers and flamethrowers, crushing and bursting the alien donuts. Who could have imagined that aliens existed and manifested in this dimension as malicious donuts? Not I. Not I. They rescued the boy and returned him to his mother. The park was cleaned and repaired a few weeks after. I still go down there most days, but my old bench is gone. In its place they erected a memorial to commemorate the brave men and women who fought in the Battle of Locust Shade. I like to go and sit in the sun on a lawn chair and read the plaque. This is the only time I cheat on my diet. [00:10:41] Well, wasn't that fun? [00:10:44] So sad. It's over. Never to fear, friends. We've got another episode coming soon. Next time we'll watch a good old fashioned witch hunt. [00:10:54] Humans are so silly. In the meantime, check out our website jbcrossauthor.com to find JB's work and print and more episodes of the podcast. Make sure you also keep up with us on X, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and TikTok so you know when our special events and new episodes are coming. In fact, drop us a line while you're there. Give us a spooky or a fun idea. We'll spin it into a nice yarn just for you. Until then, remember friends, don't be too loud at night. Always lock your doors and never stare at the moon. JB's radio show is produced and copyrighted by the Kotiri of North America. All rights reserved.