Episode 5 - Random Bite - One of the Herd

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Lovers of horror, fans of mystery, welcome to JB's radio show, the one and only place for original fiction written and narrated by JB Cross himself and guest authors. For the amusement of all you creepy crawlies out there, we've got a great tale pulled out of the trunk for you as we lead up to the release of our first special event. But first, a word from today's sponsor. Question for all you hairy beasts and beastettes out there. Are you tired of the long cords that come on those annoying tremors? Are you sick of them getting caught in the mats when you let your fur get a little too long? Well, fret no longer. Introducing the Fur Trimmer Deluxe from Yowie Incorporated, the leading experts in Sasquatch hair removal and cleaning. The Deluxe comes with an extended range battery, so there's no need of those pesky cords that you have to deal with. It's also working with a patented full horse motor powering the proprietary scissors that can shave through sheet metal like butter, leaving no question as to how easily it can handle matted fur. Pick up your pair and try them out. If you're not satisfied after 30 days, we guarantee your money back. Fur Trimmer Deluxe only from yowie. And now our feature presentation. One of the Herd. [00:01:30] Speaker B: Isolation isn't very much fun. I already kept mostly to myself. But when that virus came around, I was really stuck at home. I think the worst part for me was the loneliness. Sure, I have my husband and our kids, but they didn't count. They aren't friends, you know. I sank into depression pretty quickly when the lockdowns went into place. I lost my job at the gas station. Why pay people when they can't come to work? And my job already limited social interactions ripped away. My husband got to keep his job. Let's be thankful we can pay our bills, Randy said when I told him. You're right, I replied. I couldn't help but feel a pang. Your check covers the bills. But I worked to get out of this house. Randy pulled me into a half hearted hug like he always does when I'm upset. He said nothing, which was a sign he didn't really care or didn't know what to say. Then he broke away to prepare his lunch for the next day. I decided to have a small glass of wine as a nightcap. I finished the bottle the next day, then another bottle the day after. The third day I was out of wine and the liquor store was closed. I was officially stuck at home with my two kids. Their obnoxiously loud virtual Learning and their Internet as my only distraction. That's when I found Marcy's videos on uwatch. At first, I just laughed at her. She recorded herself cleaning her house. She even showed the dirty rag to demonstrate how much filth she wiped up. Who wanted to watch that? Somehow I wanted to. It was crazy. It was mesmerizing. Maybe it was cathartic. I don't know. It was like Marcy spoke directly to me, like I was sitting there in her house, chatting with her. As she cleaned, I watched Marcy go from room to room. She dusted, mopped and decluttered like a professional. As she went about it, she explained what she was using and why. The video went on for 40 straight minutes. When it was over, I glanced around the living room. Marcy's house was smaller than mine, but it seemed nicer. She kept it clean and organized, decorated and homey. I wanted that. That's what my job will be, I thought. I'll make this into a proper home. I went to Marcy's channel and pulled up another video. I streamed it to the television and went about my house doing the same thing Marcy did to hers. It was like she was there in the room with me, cleaning. I didn't feel so alone. By the end of the video, my living room looked nicer, and I felt a little better. She published a video every month, and there were several years worth. I put on a playlist of them and went to work. When Randy got home, he found me elbow deep in our pantry, scrubbing shelves. He didn't say anything. He just gave me a weird look and walked by. When bedtime rolled around, I had the entire house clean. When I woke up the next morning, I started organizing and decluttering. That took a couple of days and a few dozen trips to the dump. But when I was done, my house was nice. Like Marcy's. It was better than Marcy's. Actually, her house was still smaller than mine. No amount of cleaning could change that. I took a day off of cleaning, but kept watching her videos. They weren't as captivating anymore. I felt like we were losing our fledging friendship, growing apart. I could see the flaws she tried to hide. The crack in her wall covered up by the television stand, the chipping paint behind the toilet, the bedroom rug that didn't match the curtains. At the bottom of her channel page, I found links to other channels. I tried them out. A few were like Marcy. Small, blemished houses with meager decor. Others, especially those who advertised for herd, were different. Their houses were huge. Their counters were granite. Their floors were real hardwood. Naturally, I decided to follow the Herd videos. The Herd girls and I became good friends. We saw eye to eye. I cleaned as they did. I decorated in the same modern farmhouse style they did. The Herd website made it easy to order the specialized decor. My house became pristine. There was only one problem. I was still battling with a bunch of slobs. When the kids were done with school and Randy came home, it all went to hell in a hand basket. They left trails of filth and clutter everywhere they went. I wasn't alone in this problem either. Patty talked about her kids leaving messes all the time. It came to a head one day when my younger son ruined one of my pillows. Get off the couch. I screamed. You're messing up my pillows with your nasty hands. Eddie stared back at me. I just came out of the shower. Mom got out of the shower and then ate a bag of chips. I shrieked. Look. I held up the white pillow and pointed to the orange finger marks. Eddie looked abashed, but not abashed enough. How about I go tear all your posters off your wall? I asked. I hit him with the pillow. I'm sorry. Maybe I should pour my coffee on your computer. I swung the pillow in Eddie's face. Mom, please. Or throw your phone in the toilet. Mom, that hurts. Randy appeared behind me and grabbed my arm before I could swing again. Go to your room, Eddie. I spun to look at my husband. His broad shoulders were up above eye level and his confused face looked down at me. I love what you've been doing with your time and the house looks amazing, randy said. A hint of a smile played on his lips. But I draw the line at beating our 10 year old with a pillow. He ruined it. I screamed. I pointed at the cheesy finger marks. It's a pillow, randy said. We were fine without pillows on the couch before, but if it means that much to you, buy another one. Buy another one? I asked. That's a Herd Labor Day special, Randy. It's $200 and I have to wait until next $200? Randy took a step back, blinking rapidly. You paid $200 for a stupid pillow? I used my money, I lied. You saved up that much from the gas station? He asked. His eyes narrowed and he shook his head. If you want to spend $200 on a pillow, have at it. But money is tight and my job's not guaranteed anymore. So don't go dipping into the grocery fund to feed your new addiction. I scoffed and slapped him before I could think better of it. He took a step back, his hand at his cheek in shock. Then his face darkened. What is the matter with you? My vision blurred and I didn't reply. I just stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door. I sulked for an hour, just staring at the walls. Then I fished my laptop out of the closet and went to the Herd website. A scrolling advertisement read, 20% off new subscriptions today and tomorrow only. I chewed my bottom lip raw. Even with a discount, the subscription cost 100amonth. Randy would be pissed, but a VIP subscription came with a free throw pillow and a monthly delivery of Herb's proprietary natural scents, and also provided free shipping and discount on regular orders. It seemed worth it. More importantly, the others used Heard for all of their cleaning and decorating supplies. I needed it to be in the game. I took the pledge and subscribed. Randy wouldn't see it until the credit card bill came due. I had until then to make it worth it, to make him involved in the game, too. I selected my products for recurring orders. They promised to have the stuff to by the end of the following week. The natural scents in accompanying diffuser arrived three days early. I'd never used anything like it before, and I let it sit in the box for a day. Then, as I watched one of Kylie's videos, I noticed the diffuser on her kitchen counter. As if she heard my thoughts, she pointed to it and explained her regimen. Kylie preferred the pumpkin scent for fall, peppermint for winter, rosemary for spring, and grassland for summer. By the end of the video, my own diffuser was up and running, kicking out the scent of pumpkin in a jet of vapor. Randy was the first to notice, or at least the first to point it out. You're cooking pumpkin pie, babe? He asked. He kicked off his work boots with a big smile on his face. Clumps of mud led back to the front door from the hallway. Not Thanksgiving yet, but I won't complain. I forced myself to ignore the mess, and I smiled my biggest smile. Nope. But I can make the house feel like Thanksgiving every day now. Or Christmas or Easter or Fourth of July. I led him to the diffuser and revealed it, like a hand model showing off new iPhone. Randy frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. It came free when I got the new pillow, I explained. Technically true, since I did get a new pillow as well. He looked at me like he didn't believe me me, but didn't challenge the claim. He went back to smiling with obvious effort well, it smells good. He was right. It did smell good. Kylie's scent regimen was good, but I knew I could do better. Each day I tried a new one. Wood smoke, basil, mint, orange, summer sands, and more. I picked out my favorites and made note of them in my journal. Everything was coming together. The house looked great. It smelled wonderful. I had a steady rhythm of keeping it that way, despite the kids and Randy making their best effort to destroy the beautiful place I'd fostered. It was perfect. Then I saw Mikayla's vacuum cleaner. It was a rechargeable handheld, but powerful. A Herd exclusive. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my vacuum cleaner, but when I saw how much gunk came out of Mikayla's already clean looking carpet, I began to wonder. Mikayla's clearly worked better. Her floors were cleaner than mine. Unacceptable. I went to the Herd website and found the vacuum. Mikayla had the B296 model, but the newest was the B298. The 298 came with a newer battery that extended the charge life to a full 30 minutes, not just the 23 minutes of the 96 model. It only cost 1100 dollars. I started to cry. Randy would have an aneurysm if I spent that much. I went and stood with my face directly over the diffuser. It's weird, I know. But the scents cleared my mind and made me feel happier. Randy and the kids swore up and down at the scents. Made them drowsy, but I think they confused drowsy with relaxed. It was there, with my face in the mist, that I realized I didn't need anyone's permission. It it didn't matter if Randy had an aneurysm because it was his fault. I needed a better vacuum. Happier, I returned to the computer and made the order. My B298 arrived the next week. Then the credit card bill arrived. Randy didn't have an aneurysm. He just stood in the hallway blinking down at the paper stupidly until I came up and took it from him. Maybe I broke him. When I looked at a bill, it was well over $10,000 for all the Heard products I bought. The card was maxed out. Randy finally turned to me and asked, do we have to pay it off? I cocked my head at him, confused. He'd acted weird for days, but this was really taking the cake. I mean, can we just get another one? Randy asked. A dribble of drools slipped from the corner of his mouth and rolled down his chin. I rubbed his back and led him to the living room couch. Eddie and Jacob were already there, staring blankly at the television. Penny's video was on. She was one of my favorites because she was new to the Heard family, just like me. We were more than friends. Penny and I were sisters. I want to get real for a minute, penny said. We were in real financial trouble a couple years ago. I stopped mid stride and turned to the television. Penny wiped her eyes, sniffled, and continued. Then I found the Herd Productive Life package and I just want to say she trailed off as emotion overcame her. My hand went to my mouth as I felt a lump rise in my throat. It was like she was reaching through to touch my soul. Penny got control of herself. I want to say that it saved my life. I know times are hard for everyone right now, but just keep going. Go try the Productive Life package. Everything will get better. A tear made it down my cheek and I wiped it away. As Penny went back to cleaning, I glanced at my family. They sat stoically on the couch watching her. They weren't worried about it at all. Just like they weren't worried about making messes or having the best house. They didn't understand what the problem was. It was up to me. I marched on my computer and went to the herd. The Productive Life package was right there on the front page page. On sale for 10% off. It included a high quality camera, a tripod, seasonal decor shipments, and a specialized natural scent for a year round use. The package required no upfront payment but rather allowed me to create videos for you watch, monetize them, and pay a monthly percentage back to the herd. I ordered the package. It arrived three days later and life finally changed for the better. The three days before the package arrived, the boys never left the couch except to use the bathroom. They watched the videos I put on without complaint. They ate everything I cooked for them. Most importantly, they didn't make any messes. The day the package arrived, Randy's work called to inform us that he was fired. The school called to ask if Eddie and Jacob were sick. I laughed at Randy's work and told the school I decided to homeschool the boys. Penny homeschooled her kids, so it must be the right thing to do. The first thing I did with the package was set up the Noose Natural Scent. It didn't have a label, just a flowering pod painted on the side. Then I set up my camera and got to cleaning. The boys stayed on the couch for another day. Then one morning I found that pods had grown around them I was concerned. But within 30 minutes the pods opened. The boys emerged from the cocoons with gigantic small smiles on their faces. They don't talk very much anymore, but they don't make messes either. They help me clean, they help me decorate, they help me edit the videos. They're perfect. The first shipment of seasonal decor arrived just yesterday. It included gold plated faucets for the kitchen and bathroom, white paint for my kitchen cabinets, and instructions for three do it yourself decorating projects. I'll make the videos about unboxing and all this afternoon, just as soon as the pod that grew around me last night opens. [00:16:04] Speaker A: Well, wasn't that fun? So sad. It's over. Never to fear, friends. We've got another episode coming soon. Next time we'll learn about the important importance of securing your home. Informative. In the meantime, check out our website jbcrossauthor.com to find JB's work in print and more episodes of the podcast. Make sure you also keep up with us on X, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and TikTok so you know when our special events and new episodes are coming. In fact, drop us a line while you're there. Give us a spooky or a fun idea. We'll spin it into a nice yarn just for you. Until then, remember friends, don't be too loud at night. Always lock your doors and never stare at the moon. [00:16:49] Speaker B: JB's radio show is produced and copyrighted by the Koteria of North America. All rights reserved.