Episode 6 - Random Bites - An Argument for Always Locking Your Doors

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Lovers of horror, fans of mystery, welcome to JB's radio show, the one and only place for original fiction written and narrated by JB Cross himself and guest authors. For the amusement of all you creepy crawlies out there, we've got a great tale pulled out of the trunk for you as we lead up to the release of our first special event. But first, a word from today's sponsor. [00:00:25] Speaker B: Are you struggling to shed those extra pounds? Has your winter hibernation added those love handles back on, giving you that unsightly scale stretch? Never fear, friends. Wormworm plus has the solution for you all natural tapeworm eggs. Tapeworms are nature's all natural digestive health supplement that can help you shed the extra pounds quick so you can fit into your human skin disguise with ease. Studies have shown an amazing average 30 pound loss over a course of just 30 days with our patented blend of tapeworm eggs and patented supplements. So don't torture yourself with an unnecessary diet that might not work. Pick up a box of Worm Worm plus and eat whatever you like. Get yours today. And now, our feature presentation, an argument for always locking your doors. [00:01:39] Speaker C: I'm sure you've had one of those days where the universe conspires against you. I know I have. Just the other day, in fact, there I was walking down the street, minding my own business. It was late afternoon and the sun was bright and cheery. People were happy and playful. I'm even getting a few friendly looks. And my human skin is just plain ugly. So it sounds like it was a good day, right? Wrong. I was bopping along, not bothering anyone, when I saw a family outside in their backyard. Not that surprising on a day like that. And not a bad thing necessarily. Dad was there with his belly hanging out reading a book. Mom was in the rock garden pulling weeds. Teen sister was catching the rays while little brother bathed the dog. The mutt was the only one who noticed me. He even growled a little. Those little bastards are so intuitive. I think it's the sense of smell. It's a good thing humans don't speak their language or me and mine would go the way of the werewolves, you know, extinct. Well, the gorilla kicked off a savory smell. The scent of all four humans mingled with that cooking hunk of cow and my mouth started watering. The problem is that my kind is supposed to move away from eating humans. The Alternative Meat Initiative, they call it. Better secrecy, more sustainability, all that nonsense. Then here comes his family to throw it all right out of the window. I guess that's the worst Part about it, really. I just got my gold chip six days ago. My gold chip. You. You understand? A huge milestone in the new plan with a lot of perks all gone. Does that sound fair to you? Doesn't to me. Anyway. The sidewalk ran along the side of the family's big two story house, then turned left across the front. I kept walking and the scent on the air kept calling. So I decided to check. I mean, that part of the street was quiet. They were in the back. Who would even know? No one would know. Except when I walked up to the front door. Just to check, mind you. The handle turned. Totally unlocked. They didn't bother with the deadbolt. They didn't even spare the chain of glands. It seems kinda dumb to let your family get murdered because one of you didn't turn a latch, right? Am I the only one seeing this? Hold on. Let's be clear. I'm not victim shaming here. I'm not saying they were asking for it. I'm just saying the universe went out of its way to set me up and they didn't help matters. It wasn't anybody's fault, really. It just is what it is. Well, I made it inside and I ducked into a closet to wait. After a few minutes, mom came in and went upstairs. I stripped off my human skin because that thing's itchy and a pain and he has to clean. And I slunk upstairs. I discovered mom was taking a shower. She made a pretty nice appetizer as she stepped out. The room was all foggy and she thought I was someone else. Maybe Daddy's sneaking in to have a little afternoon delight. But then she realized I wasn't him. And this tantalizing look crossed her soft, doughy features. She didn't even get a scream out, just a high pitched gurgling. Sorry, just a sec. I'm drooling on myself. Anyway, a little while later, I caught dad in the kitchen as he came down to get something for his grilling endeavor. He wasn't succulent like Mom. I preferred tender meat and he was fatty and dense. There was no fear to save her either. I had to take him quick from behind. I mean, the guy had a knife. Scales aren't impenetrable. Could you imagine the mess I'd be in if I left some of my blood on the floor? The forensic nerds would have blown their little minds and we'd all be outed anyway. The mutt outside the door freaked out, barking and carrying on. But it still took half an hour before either of the kids noticed their fat daddy was gone. Not the most attentive family. Those two were too busy spraying each other with the hose to even notice when the grill stopped smoking. Human children are dumb. Case in point, those two eventually came inside and saw me standing there. Dad's blood was all down my front his guts were slicking the kitchen floor. I was dozing, bored off my tail waiting for them. They could have run right back out, jumped the fence and gotten away. They could have let Fido in to at least slow me down. They ignored all the smart options. Instead they ran up the stairs. I kid you not like this is some made for television slasher movie. Life imitates art, I guess. Mom. Mom. Mom. They screamed. And I'm like, sorry kids. Mom's digesting right now. Try again in a few days. By the by, here's a pro tip. There's safety in numbers when you're being pursued by an entity. And yes, it's entity monster carries a negative connotation. Don't split up. Of course, split up is exactly what the kids did when they hit the upstairs landing. Dean's sister went running into the bathroom where mom died. Little brother hidden in his closet, didn't even feel like hunting anymore. Up close, Teen sister looked like a younger version of Mom. She tasted like her too. Spitting image, if you take my meaning. The only real difference was Teeny Bob's glitter body lotion. It gave her skin a gritty texture that stuck to my teeth. Gross. That left little Brother still hiding in the closet. I decided to play a little hey, if the prey isn't smart enough to make it a challenge, you gotta do it yourself, you know. The sun was going down and it was easy enough to kill the electricity. It's all about the darkness with hide and seek. It took about five minutes of blackened silence and the little brother came out. I'm standing on the darkened corner watching him. It was a picture of a terror stricken 10 year old with his bowl cut hair sweat plastered to his forehead and his watery eyes darting back and forth, whispering for mom and sister. No one answered of course. He slinked out of his bedroom and into the bathroom. Boy, did he cry when he found the remains of the girls. He didn't seem to want to come back out, so I scratched at the wall beside the door. He freaked out. He burst out of the room. Almost ran me right over and it took everything I had not to crack up laughing. He was covered in cord and his eyes were like dinner plates. Pow. He was huffing and puffing and sobbing and it was a hell of a show. Just amazing. He stumbled away and took off down the hallway, making it to the top of the stairs before I came bumbling along behind. I was super full and bloated by that point. I wasn't running anywhere without puking. That's what I get for gorging. I guess maybe I am a little to blame here. You see, I was still thinking. I could just forget it ever happened. If nobody knew who done it, then nobody knew. I broke my fast. Chip retained. Well. What had happened was it was really dark and the stairs were pretty steep. The kid made the first step fine, but flew over the others head first, a great leap forward, if you will. I sauntered on up to the landing, thinking the kid was dead for sure. He wasn't chubby per se, but when a human lands face first with her weight coming down on that neck, I mean, come on, that's gotta be broken, right? Not when this stupid universe is out to get your gold chip, it's not. The little man was back on his feet by the time I was at the top of the stairs. Resilient little orphan, that one. Granted, nobody wants their teeth crammed down their throat, but alive is still alive. I could see exactly what he was going to tell the police too. I struck quite the pose with my scaled belly bulging out, my reflective pupils gazing down, my blood smeared fangs glistening. His face made that oh expression. Then he was out the door before I could leap down. How was he at the door, you ask? Well, that's a great question because someone forgot to lock it. Sure, he could have unlocked it even if I had remembered, but I could have jumped on him before I got through the door. Without the extra little delay, he made a clean break and went screaming down the street. Now it was my turn to freak out. I grabbed my human skin and waddled out the back. Fido yipped at me all across the stupid lawn, but I didn't have the energy to chase him away. My bloated frame barely made it over the fence as it was then I had to hide in the woods while the humans searched around because I couldn't get my stupid disguise back over my fat belly. So embarrassing. The biggest humiliation. Gold chip guaranteed lost. The hearing is scheduled for tomorrow. I might even get sanctioned. Leaving witnesses is what killed off the vampire, so it's a big no. No. To get back on my original point. What we have here is a pairing of the worst possible scenario and the universe just being an outright dick. Lazy complacent suburbanites in the cruelty of reality, conspiring together to steal my hard earned cold chip. Seriously, all they had to do was turn a latch and it all could have been prevented. Don't even get me started on the family who left their alarm off the other night. Just lock your damn doors. [00:12:54] Speaker B: Well, wasn't that fun? So sad. It's over. Never to fear, we've got another episode coming soon. [00:13:02] Speaker A: In the meantime, check out our website jbcrossauthor.com to find JB's work in print and more episodes of the podcast. Make sure you also keep up with us on X, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and TikTok so you know when our special events and new episodes are coming. In fact, drop us a line while you're there. Give us a spooky or a fun idea. We'll spin it into a nice yarn just for you. Until then, remember friends, don't be too loud at night. Always lock your doors and never stare at the moon. JB's radio show is produced and copyrighted by the Kotiri of North America. All rights reserved.